A Grand Deception: How Sex Offenders Exploit Sympathy & Re-Traumatize Victims

Exposing the four steps of a common and destructive deception.

“I’m ready to put this all behind me and to continue reaching for my dreams of filmmaking and in music.” Those were the words of Brandon Milburn, a former youth minister, as he pleaded with a judge for a lenient sentence after being convicted of seven counts of child sexual abuse involving two eleven-year-old boys. His pleas were echoed by supporters who came to court to proclaim his innocence. One even remarked, “I do not believe he is a predator. I love Brandon; my children love Brandon. If Brandon was released today, he would be welcome to come and live in my home.”

Fortunately, the prosecutor reminded the judge of the depravity of the case and Milburn’s actions. “In the sentencing advisory report, the defendant minimizes his activities, his offenses against the boys in this case, and actually denies there are other victims.” Ultimately, the judge decided that Brandon Milburn should spend the next 25 years reaching for his dreams inside the walls of a prison.

Sexual offenders have mastered a devastating deception that, unfortunately, thrives within faith communities. This manipulation distorts the truth, downplays the abuse, and exploits feelings of guilt to construct a false narrative. In their sick and twisted story, the offender is cast as the victim, while the accusers are portrayed as the ones committing injustice. Tragically, many fail to recognize this fiction for what it is, allowing the deception to persist unchecked and causing even more suffering for the real victims.

Here is how the perpetrator’s deception process works:

Step One: “I, too, was a victim.”

When confronted about sexually abusing a child, offenders will often react with a tearful disclosure that they, too, were victimized as a child. They may not even necessarily be referring to sexual abuse, but in an effort to sound credible and garner sympathy, they will craft their story carefully, ensuring they are seen as a victim.

Do you see The Grand Deception at work? In one swift move, they’re able to redirect the spotlight off their own wretched acts, minimize the suffering of their victim, and elicit compassion from the congregation and community.

Playing the victim fuels the sympathies and doubts of those unwilling to accept a reality that seems too dark and unbelievable.

Step Two: “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

The next step of The Grand Deception is to minimize the wrongfulness of the acts committed. The intention here is to reduce the act to one of lesser consequence, making it easier to dismiss and hard to condemn.

If the victim is younger than the abuser, offenders may acknowledge the behavior as “inappropriate” but will scoff at the notion it could have been criminal. Furthermore, they will insist that these “inappropriate” actions were simply misguided love and care for the child — a concept that may be rationalized by intertwining it with stories of their own childhood abuse.

With older victims, abusers will similarly acknowledge the “inappropriateness” of their behavior, but they will make a subtle attempt to paint the victim as a consenting party. Statements like, “Maybe I should have acted more responsibly, but I never did anything without consent,” aim to shift blame and sow doubt around the accusation, reframing the events as mutual acts rather than the violations of power they were.

Do you see The Grand Deception at work? After starting first with sympathy for his own childhood abuse, the abuser has a foundation on which to build. Now, as a sympathetic character, an abuser can claim that their actions were only ever out of love. In some cases, they’ll even claim it was consensual. The stage has now been set to begin turning the tables on the accusers.

Step Three: “You’re being unforgiving.”

By this stage in The Grand Deception, the offender has garnered support by way of deceived sympathizers. Sadly, the deceived are willing to do the abuser’s dirty work for them. Supporters of the accused use all forms of spiritual guilt in an attempt to silence those who aren’t deceived. Soon, those who dare to believe the victim, those who are unwilling to “move on,” are labeled as unforgiving, self-righteous, and other ugly pious words.

“We all make mistakes. Why are you being so self-righteous?”

“God has forgiven, why won’t you?”

“Who is the real one living in sin here?”

Do you see The Grand Deception at work? Confronters become the confronted as offenders successfully fabricate their moral high ground —and they use it to take the final step in The Grand Deception.

Step Four: “I am the real victim here.”

The pinnacle of The Grand Deception happens when offenders successfully convince others that those who refuse to “forgive and move on” are the actual perpetrators. When offenders can convincingly cast themselves as victims, sadly, they gain supporters who step up to advocate on their behalf, fully believing that they are doing the right and “godly” thing. Their distorted and destructive advocacy includes rebuking abuse survivors and those who support them, appearing in court to show support for an accuser they’ve been fooled into believing is the “real victim,” and, most tragic of all, convincing others to join them.

Do you see The Grand Deception at work? The perpetrator becomes the victim.

The smoke and mirrors of The Grand Deception embolden offenders like Brandon Milburn to speak of chasing dreams while survivors are trapped in a nightmare that never ends. The cost of this deception is far greater than lost time in courtrooms and relationships soured. It creates environments where faith communities become safe havens for offenders instead of for the ones they’ve hurt.

True justice requires us to see through this manipulation, stand with survivors, and refuse to be complicit in the lies that protect abusers. Only then can we begin to turn the tide on this dark and destructive cycle.

If you’re a survivor of abuse seeking justice, BozLaw is here to help with professional guidance and compassionate legal support. Contact us today for a free case evaluation.

Boz Tchividjian is an attorney at BozLaw P.A. who represents sexual abuse survivors throughout the country. A version of this article was originally published for the Religion News Service (RNS). Used with permission.