Remaining Silent About Suspected Abuse: 5 Common Fears

Have you ever been afraid to say something that needed to be said? What about when it involves protecting a child?

Not long ago, a friend shared a story with me about an overnight visit she had with a family she was close with. On the evening of her stay, the family hosted a group of people for dinner and conversation. Sometime during the dinner, one of the male guests left the table and sat in the adjoining living room. During dinner, the guest remained in the living room, talking and playing with the host family’s adolescent boy. Initially, my friend brushed it off. However, as the evening went on, she realized that this adult’s attention was focused exclusively on the one child. They played on the couch together, touched each other’s faces, and engaged in other physical “play” contact. My friend became troubled by the ongoing interactions. Her concerns grew after dinner when she overheard the young man invite the boy to follow him to the basement for a game of hide and seek. At this point, my friend became conflicted about whether she should say something to the boy’s parents or simply leave the situation alone.

My friend’s predicament is not unique. Unfortunately, too many who found themselves in her shoes decided it was best to remain silent — a silence that is all too often fueled by fear. Here are five common fears that try to convince us to “leave the situation alone.”

1. Fear of being wrong: Since we didn’t necessarily see blatant abuse happen, perhaps it didn’t. This fear causes us to second-guess our instincts and convince ourselves that our worries are unfounded. We decide it’s best to remain silent.
2. Fear of being right: We fear the incredibly dark possibility that someone we actually know may be grooming a child or outright abusing them. Such depravity is too much for us to comprehend and is much easier to deny. We decide it’s best to remain silent.
3. Fear of being ignored: We fear that our concerns will be ignored by those who refuse to believe it is possible. In her book Predators, psychologist Anna Salter writes, “Those who see child molesters as monsters seem the quickest – when their neighbor, friend, or family member – to say that it is definitely a false report.” We decide it’s best to remain silent.
4. Fear of losing a friend: We fear that the suspected offender — or someone close to them that we care about — will be angry and want nothing to do with us if we share our concerns. Nobody likes to lose a friend. We decide it’s best to remain silent.
5. Fear of losing a community: We fear that those in our community will blame us for “negative” fallout and accuse us of baseless allegations. We fear being “out of line,” discredited, and ostracized. We decide it’s best to remain silent.

Did you notice these are not fears of concern for a vulnerable child? They’re about our own discomfort and inconveniences. These misplaced, self-centered fears can contribute to the continued harm of children. The real fear we should carry is fear of what happens under the cloak of silence.

Should our fear of being wrong stop us from taking steps to protect a child in danger?

Should our fear of being right stop us from exposing the dark motives of evil people?

Should our fear of being ignored justify ignoring a child in need of help?

Should our fear of losing a friend stop us from saving a child?

Should our fear of losing our community stop us from creating a community that is safe for children?

During that overnight stay, my friend decided to take a bold step out from the shadow of silence and share her concerns with the boy’s parents. The grateful parents immediately took action to protect their boy, and they shared with their friends just how crucial it is to speak up to safeguard children.

Any fears my friend may have had that evening were quickly eclipsed by the joy and peace of knowing that a little boy had possibly been spared from the horrors of abuse. That is a joy and peace I long for more of us to experience as we reject the fear of silence and step forward to protect children, regardless of the consequences.

If you’re a survivor of abuse seeking justice, BozLaw is here to help with professional guidance and compassionate legal support. Contact us today for a free case evaluation.

Boz Tchividjian is an attorney at BozLaw P.A. who represents sexual abuse survivors throughout the country. A version of this article was originally published for the Religion News Service (RNS). Used with permission.